After flaking out on people I had made prior commitments to, I show up at 8:45 to learn how to throw a good knot. This is kind of an exciting lab. People who know me, know I weirdly love blood, pathology, surgery, etc.... It is why I found a path in the medical field.
Fake blobs of flesh and fat sit in front of us and the instructor at the front of the class begins to demonstrate two commonly used stitches. Simple enough.
|Let's Do This. I am greeted by a friend with a hearty "Happy Suture Day!"|
I begin piercing through one side of flesh, digging to fish out my now missing suture lost in the middle of the fake gaping wound in my pound of fatty flesh on the table. It is awkward. I feel awkward and unsure of myself. I want to excel. I look at my finished work and cringe. I would get sued for sure. Keep your scrapped up babies away from me unless you want a tough looking scar to scare other children away.
I try again. I want someone to come help me but there are 100 students and only 3 instructors and I, as usual, have sat in the back of the class. What can I do to make this look better? Is it my hands? Is it how I am holding the needle driver (which was actually a hemostat that keep locking on me)? Do I need to go deeper or farther away from the wound? Could I please just get a little more guidance?
My friend next to me helps me adjust my grip on the instruments and is trying to walk me through it again. She looks at me and begins comforting me, telling me it will be OK and that we can practice more later. What?!? Why is she saying these thing? I know it will be fine and of course we will practice more. DUH. Then taste a hot salty tear on my tongue. OH DEAR- AM I CRYING? Seriously. At Suture lab? So thankful for my lab buddies who quickly helped me recover with laughter and distraction.
Regroup, suture up the various degree of wounds on the blob and leave lab as quickly as possible. I did a whole lot better on the last two when I quit over thinking it.
I have yet to really cry about the adoption, its process, our child........ really any of it. I never cry when it would be appropriate. I share the story and the people around the table look at me with glistening eye and ask me how I am doing emotional. "I'm ok."
When I am talking about it, planning for it, filling out forms; when I am moving forward; I am ok. It's the regular days. It's suturing lab. It is today. It is when I have three assignments to write with no motivation. All I keep doing is blog hopping, reading other's adoptions stories. Tears stream down my face as I soak in the pictures of families meeting their children for the first time. I laugh and my heart swells as I watch a posted video of a father and his son bounce a ball back and forth outside the orphanage.
Is there such a thing as adoption hormones?
|Sweet Lab friend who was quick to share her wisdom and encouragement.|
Her Blob looked fantastic! Ain't gonna dehisce on her watch!