We almost said No
/We chose this. Our world is wonderfully upside down by choice. Also, not so much by choice. Where we creaked open a door just a smidge to peak in, God swung it wide open. Of course, we could have said no. NO is an option. Sometimes it’s an acceptable option. I wish I could tell you we didn’t consider it. But we talked about it. What a NO might look like. How it might be easier, cleaner, less stressful and not demanding as much of us daily.
Our social worker called about a little girl needing a forever home. I wanted to say yes. I desperately needed my heart to want to say YES. At the same time, I understood the impact of a NO. Honestly, there were plenty of logical reasons for a NO. Isn’t it funny how you can always seem to find reasons to support your No. The biggest driving force for our NO was fear. I was scared. For our marriage, for our son and selfishly, for myself. I am all game for self-care but I also greedily grave self-indulgence. Not to mention, it might be hard and for sure it’s going to make life a bit more messy and complicated. Could we do this? Again?
I tell this back story not for accolades. There is no tribute for saying yes. The YES is the tribute. I share because I think sometimes I give people the false impression that we were not scared. That we did not pause. That we did not have one of the worst fights of our marriage the night before we committed to moving forward.
When we falsely interpret fear or unworthiness as the permission to say NO, we miss out on the abundance in the YES.
Ultimately, mid-fight, we looked at each other and almost started laughing. We knew.
“Someday we are going to think it was crazy that we ever considered NO or that NO might be better.”
We were right. Only a year later, I look at my little love snuggled into my arms and know this abundant YES was better than we could ask or imagine. One year of hard, messy, complicated and yet beautifully abundant YES.
To the expectant mom, feeling hollow with the idea of NO as the doctor solemnly explains to you how your little precious one has a chromosomal abnormality called Trisomy 21. It’s ok to be scared. It’s understandable to grieve. And I totally appreciate feeling unprepared or unworthy.
When we falsely interpret fear or unworthiness as the permission to say NO, we miss out on the abundance in the YES.
May you be given the gift to say YES.
To the couple considering foster care, feeling burdened by the logistical and heavy NO. There will always be reasons, even often respectable ones, to lean into the negative space. You will never be fully prepared (although you should still go to all the training 😉) and the fear of a broken heart seems almost inevitable.
When we falsely interpret fear or unworthiness as the permission to say NO, we miss out on the abundance in the YES.
May you be given the courage to say YES.
To the mama of her child with extra special needs; when your life is hectic, overwhelming and flustering; sometimes you feel like saying NO. Not today. One more call to insurance, another appointment, finding for the umpteenth time lost glasses/hearing aids/orthotics, stimming and tantrums you are not sure what to do about, basically feeling like you are never doing good enough. The weight of worthlessness and, let’s be honest, sometimes selfishness, might make you want to shut down and put off the work that needs to be done for you kid.
When we falsely interpret fear or unworthiness as the permission to say NO, we miss out on the abundance in the YES.
May you be given the strength to say YES.
Wherever you are today, whatever NO is challenging you. I am praying you find your abundant YES. One year ago, we almost let a crazy NO keep us from knowing our daughter. In one yes, we were given abundantly more than we could ask or imagine.
