Keep Calm........

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via wondermentet.com

Today I am simply linking you up to another adoptive mom who expresses herself better than me. *I know that seems impossible.* She already has her son home now but this is a glimpse back into her journey. A post she wrote along the way that reminds me of where we are at.  I appreciated and related to her heart.
http://wondermentetc.com/2013/01/15/adoption-process-update/



My new job

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Bring Home Baby D Central- and remnants of my PBJ from lunch. 
Just reflecting that  leaving my job was all part of God's plan.  Here is my new place of work. It has two locations: Here you see -Bring home Baby D Central, but there is also a mobile unit, AKA the Honda.
Yes- Good eye. That is a cup of coffee next to a diet coke.  I am getting a baby AND I do not have to give up caffeine. HECK YES.
 I sign, scan, email, take a sip of coffee and then do that over again but alternate with the diet coke. Scanning and downloading documents one at a time. Scanning. Scanning. Scanning. 

3 weeks.
3 fast but somehow long, exhilarating but indeed frustrating, weeks.
ONLY 3!
I need to get a hold of myself because adoption is a long process and we have only just began this race.
And I do feel like on some level it is race. Now that I know WHO we are doing this for, every day that goes by I feel like I am racing against time.  The days are winning this race. Another day just sprinted by where I did not get to hold him, love him, cuddle him, play with him, or help him develop. Slow your roll woman. We have many months ahead of us. 

We went to the doctor and found out we are relatively healthy.  HIV, Syphilis, and TB free- Yipee!
We went to the county appraisal office- twice.
We went the Chase bank for mortgage proof.
We went to the church to notarize paperwork.
Found out my passport number on the paperwork was wrong. (Something I probably should have checked pre-notary). 
Church secretary re-notarized everything.
Scanned everything into state-side facilitator.
Found out Jon's issuing passport provider was wrong. (Again Carly.... PROOF READ.)
Went to bank and got paperwork re-notarized.
Scanned new paperwork into facilitator.
Found out the word passport was spelled PASSORT on our documents. (Are you kidding me?-When will I learn.)
Went to a different bank and got paperwork re-notarized.
Scan.
Paper work submitted to our facilitator state-side approved..... feeling good!
Home appraisal form rejected due to lack of address stamp. 
Went back to county appraisals office.
Scan.
Paper work APPROVED from both facilitators. 

Whats Next?
Mom (super glad she is coming) and I will drive to Austin on Monday for a walk in appointment to hand deliver my paper-babies for the Sec of State to provide an apostille for them. When I called the office for more information I learned:
a) I was saying it wrong (embarrassed much). It is pronounced uh-pos-til. I was saying it uh-pos-il. You know, like the 12 apostles. :) She was quick to correct me. 
b) The turn around is 30 mins for a walk in appointment or 10 days -not including mail time- if you mail it in.

Decision made- Walk in it is- my roll will not slow!

And Then:
Mom and I return home to prepare for the Home study Friday June 14.
Plus Summer is OVER > School is back in session.





More paperwork please

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I have been kicking "to-do list" booty.
OR that's what I thought until I received an email from the facilitation team today with a crazy load of more paperwork, forms, documents, test, and copies that I need to do and get notarized ASAP so I can then get the apostilled.
APOSTILLED.
Seriously, I did not even know what that meant.
I am now stressed and in a negative funk.
How do I even go about getting some of this done?
 For example:
~ need the signature of a county appraiser and have it notarized.
~ statement of  a bank representative regarding our mortgage and have it notarized.
~ Doctor physicals, (including an HIV/Syphilis test) have it notarized, and include a certified copy of his medical license!!!!
How do I arrange a notary to be there at all these things in case there is not one at their locations? Who is a notary that can be my appointment buddy?
Things just got real and complicated by reading one email.
Thankfully the kind naive lady also listed her phone number. I feel for her. I am going to grant her the holiday weekend and then we are about to become best friends.
And remember that time I wrote about the Life Long commitment of parenting--You betcha I am calling my mom to come up here to help before I have a freak out moment. (hint hint mamacita)
I hate the idea that my lack of effort, my misunderstanding, or my mistakes/delays on paperwork might be slowing down the process of bringing the Baby D home.
My plan right now- Go watch the new season of Arrested Development of Netflix.


This is life to the Full.

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Image via Holly Gerth 

Every morning since we made this decision I wake up EXCITED! 
I don't know if it is because I know OUR BABY is out there already or if it is because we are now answering 'yes' when God puts something on our hearts.
But like the Hubs asked, "Why can't it be both?"
Stepping out on Faith.
Family and friends have questions and concerns. I  respect that. That shows me you care and have a heart for me that you don't want to get hurt. I AM GRATEFUL. You guys have a heart that hurts when Jon and I  get hurt.
I have been called to be the heart that will hurt for this little peanut.
I AM HONORED!
Parenting hurts. It is full of risk. Any way you try to slice this apple, heartbreak is inevitable.
And then there is blessing.
Faith.
We did not make this decision thinking- "We are hopeless, we want a child, We... We.... We...."
But rather this was about one thing only:
God put it on our heart.
We inquired about some orphaned children in Eastern Europe with Down Syndrome and we wept. Literally.
And like Nehemiah we prayed that God forgive us our sins and grant us success to help be part of their story of rescue and redemption.
Also like ole Nehemiah we did not tell many people what God put on our heart (Nehemiah 2:12) while we examined the remaining walls. Not just the facts of the situation, children, or agency but more importantly the walls of our heart. We started really listening. AND THE SPIRIT KEPT TALKING. This is where I apologize if you felt left out. We had to pray and answer this calling before we made a decision to tell everyone.

There is a chance we could get burned. There is a chance I will call my mom with a broken heart during this process.And yes,this is a life long change. Let's be honest, this is also an inevitable fact of parenting. When I called my mom broken, 28 years after she brought me home as a baby, and told her I lost my baby, she hurt. She cried with me. She came up to care for me and was simply mom and I was daughter.

28 years later. She is still Mom. 

Someday this little guy might be a giant Eastern European Man. I will still be his Mom and he will be my son. How will that look? 
Faith.

I do understand the concerns and question as this was a huge "word bomb" we exploded on everyone. I hear you. I respect you. 
My Response:
1. PRAY. Examine the walls of your heart. Surrender it all over. ASK GOD to speak in your 
     heart. What is scaring you and why? How can God cover that fear with faith? 
2. Read Nehemiah. God does indeed still speak- and how did Nehemiah decide God placed
    this on his heart? How did he respond? What amazing things did he accomplish? 
3. Research Down Syndrome. We really do not know the extent of his delays but we have 
    been told that  to the best of their knowledge THE ONLY THING MEDICALLY DIFFERENT 
    ABOUT THIS  CHILD IS ONE EXTRA CHROMOSOME. What does that mean? I think you 
   will be surprised to find that it is not as scary as it looks.  
3. Encourage us. I am calling it the Double T. We are THRILLED and TERRIFIED. God has 
   already  placed some friends in my life that have uplifted me over the last week in a way that I  
   know was Spirit led.  Will you also let the Spirit use you to encourage us?
4. Be excited. You are now Grandparents. Aunts. Uncles. Life-long partners and Friends in this
    celebration of life. This is going to be AWESOME. Even during the heartbreak. Because 
   God's glory is going to be shown in this step of faith no matter what happens- and it is 
   HUMBLING and EXCITING that we get to be a part of that.

And then, when you are ready, pray for this child. He needs someone to pick him up NOW and when he cries at night he needs someone to cuddle. Join me in praying God send a person to be his designated cuddler until I can take over that role. Pray for us, that God shapes my heart into a heart of a mother. That God guides Hubs in all these decisions and gives him wisdom and patience at every turn. For protection and wisdom and FAITH. 

Several months ago I stated "Because I know my life will never be: unfruitful, unproductive, sterile, barren, or exhausted.  Jesus whispers something else to me the morning after: I have come that they may have life,and have it to the full."
THIS IS LIFE TO THE FULL!


Restless

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Restless.

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

I am the thorn stuck in your side,
I am the one that you left behind,
I am the dried up doubting eyes
Looking for the well that won’t run dry

I can hear you breathing,
I can hear you leading
More than just a feeling
More than just a feeling
I can feel you reaching
Pushing through the ceiling
'til the final healing
I'm looking for you

I’ll be waiting
Anticipating
All that I aim for
What I was made for
With every heartbeat
All of my blood bleeds
Running inside me
Looking for you
                   
- Switchfoot

I have spent a couple weeks here - swimming across this restless ocean. Waiting. Anticipating. Honestly, mainly doubting.  Then, my stomach began scrapping the sand and coral below me, signaling me the time had come to stand up and walk ashore.  I was scared I would not like the land He brought me to but when I finally surrendered EVERYTHING over, I stood up.

One simple prayer of a humble man.
Our life will be marvelously revolutionized.


The love of Christ

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I test it.
I jump far
too wide
climb strong
too high
run faster
too long
fall hard
and it’s deep.
Raise my hand high
stretch out on my tip toes
I feel it brush the tips of my outstretched fingers
I lose my balance.
Knowledge, my expected companion, has tripped me.
My mind manipulates, calculates.
But it surpasses
Dangling from the branch
Grasp it.
Requires strength
Sink my teeth
sweet juice spills from my mouth
Be full.

May you have power, together with the entire Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 3:18

what should we call it

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Infertility

I googled a synonym for it and  the other options are worse. Trust me on this.... don't do it.

So what do we call it?

I almost put a question mark at the end of that word. I simply do not think it fits. By medical definition, it just might. After two years, this word has started to creepity creep its way into my mind. Somewhere along the way I have adopted an attitude that this label is not me/us.

"I am young. I've got time. I'm in grad school still. The timing actually might not have worked out right anyway. Some people have struggled even longer."

While the above statements are indeed truth. The underlying secret is for about one week, EVERY month, for TWO years, I get excited that I might be pregnant. (of course, this excludes the months I was actually pregnant). When will a girl learn this is not a good idea?

This can make anyone start to tiptoe the line of insanity.

So what should we call this...........

Process

I have never blogged about this before. But after such positive feedback (hey thanks for that) from the last post I decided to brave forward.

I don't think I am there yet. Don't mistake my optimism for fraud. I still cried yesterday on our "Not this Month" date night of sushi, mango mojitos, and coffee.  I feel in my gut that there is a plan for the hubs and I. The day after the day I realize I'm not pregnant, God fills me with renewed energy and excitement about the days ahead.  While my mom and mom-in-law will dislike this statement, the energy is not from the faith that I will get pregnant. I do not feel God has promised me that. It lies in this idea that if I never get pregnant; I can still be/do incredible things for the kingdom. Maybe even more than if I get pregnant.

Which is why I will not call it infertility. Because I know my life will never be: unfruitful, unproductive, sterile, barren, or exhausted.

 Jesus whispers something else to me the morning after:

"I have come that you may have life, and have it to the FULL."

 

 I am very fertile.

 

Here Comes the Sun

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Sure, I can blame the all the concussions from soccer, or maybe I need to be taking Ginkgo on a daily basis, but I struggle to remember events, days, ok even years! I am not talking about I can't remember my 4 yr old birthday. This is as big as I cannot remember the day I met my sister-in-law for the first time 6 years ago, getting my driver's license at 16, or even what I did for New Years in 2011! I feel very left out during those: "Let's Reminisce" moments with friends and family. I always awkwardly ask, "oh was I there" and then every one stares at me like I am an alcoholic.

I am not one for resolutions or reflections. They make me feel like I am trying to hard. But maybe I need to spend a little time reflecting over the year so that at the dinner table Dec 31, 2013, I can laugh while people share memories of the year because I will have these memories too.
The problem with reflections of 2012 is it has a one dark cloud  that is shadowing over some wonderful experiences that I feel I can no longer enjoy to the fullest. 

I will never again have the first-time-to-find-out-your-pregnant moment.

And IT WAS GREAT!
I want to remember that.
I want to remember roaming around my house bewildered and overcome, screaming "I'm pregnant!" in every room because I simply did not know what to do with my self.
I want to remember calling my husband at work, trying to play it cool and asking him to try to come home early for dinner. (He could tell immediately and left work right away! I never am good at playing it cool :))
I want to remember lying on the bed together- thinking- We Did it! Your Sperm- My Egg! And crying out to God in thanksgiving and begging for guidance.
I want to remember hearing my mom on the phone almost pass out from the news- super glad she wasn't driving-and hearing my dad choke back tears and trying to whisper in the courthouse where he worked.
I want to remember my in-laws opening their present with a onesie inside and looking at us with confused and excited faces and shouting- "I knew it".
I want to remember the first time I threw up at work and called my mom because I was excited to get to experience morning sickness and then calling my mom after a weeks of throwing up at working, crying because I was experiencing morning sickness.
How precious and perfect are these memories and I don't want to forget them and I refuse to let them be robbed from me because of the circumstances.
Hubs and I are selfishly celebrating our 6 year anniversary in St. Thomas. What-What! So roll on dark cloud! I plan to reflect, resolve, and move into 2013 filled with strength and joy and I am excited to see what happens next. 

The reality of an over-sharer

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My dad is not a fan of the "internets". I will never worry about him creeping my facebook page or writing an embarrassing twitter. I can understand why. Sometimes it is startling all the private things in our life we  choose to make so public. Almost seems narcissistic. I recently read in Reader's Digest (which my dad is a fan of and in fact renews my subscription to every year) that there is quite a bit of controversy over photos people upload on Facebook.  From what I understand, once you upload them, Facebook and the entities you "like" basically have the rights to them. Makes me reconsider my blogging and Facebook addiction.... for only a moment.
When it comes to blogging, I often laugh at myself for being egocentric enough to think the world wide web wants to hear from me. How I consider that my fascinating life, crafts, thoughts, and musings need to be shared. Sitting here sharing my life with strangers. I don't even know if they have kind faces!
And once I saw Julie and Julia, the fantasies began spiraling. Mr. Movie Director should be emailing me any day now to discuss the contract for a screen play based on my blog/life. OK... maybe not a movie... but for sure a publisher is going to want  me to write a book.
 I rarely even keep up with this blog. It has no direction, theme, continuity, or consistency. Why do I continue to get such a high from hitting Publish for a new post?
Pride.
Insecurity.
Probably both.
But I also think I have always been a chronic over-sharer. I spill the beans on secrets and sins usually the first night of going to a new small group.  Word-vomit regret is a daily emotion I encounter. That tight knot in your belly you get when you walk away from a conversation saying "why did I tell them that?" happens at this once a day. I am grateful that I have a thing for "awkward moments" since I classically create them daily.
I value transparency but do I cross the line into over-divulging.
Aaaahh. There I go over- sharing and over-thinking.



On the nightstand

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I was recommended this book by another nurse who knew I accidentally enjoyed The Hunger Games. It is a fantasy adventure  following a sixteen year old boy name Jacob as his tries to discover the legacy of his grandfather's stories about a mysterious island with an orphanage for peculiar children.  There are times when the situations were more creepy than peculiar. Unique and imaginative with very original characters, yet I still did not feel compelled to stay up late to see what happens next.  It is also not intended for a  Kindle or Nook. There are photographs and letters that help create the atmosphere that was lost on my nook.

I catch myself acting like I know everything about child development and emotional/behavior needs. When did I become an expert on the troubled child? Well, after reading Dr. Purvis' The Connected Child. 


FAVORITE! Quite embarrassing confession: I did not even know about this President. I will now drive down Garfield St in Midland, TX with new passion and intensity. Candice Millard is excellent at historical biographies because she does immense research to create the scene and truly help the reader understand the events and atmosphere of the time.  I also loved the medical history laced in the story and the resulting impact it played in this man's life. Read it so we can talk about how awesome it is and pretend that we are Garfield experts.

Front door greetings

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Should I just keep it brown- has the Colorado cabin feel to it.
Spicy Red says come in we are exciting!

Blue/gray says we are peaceful yet unique

Yellow says we are crazy fun and cute

Purple says My husband has no say in paint choices
 My mom called this morning to rub it in that her and Dad are DIY-ers now. They painted their front door over the weekend. She also reupholstered some chairs, spray painted outdoor furniture, and redid  her bathroom this year. Not to mention the fact she is making and selling bows. Basically, she is getting out-of-control. I am a little concerned about the group of ladies she is spending all this time with that are influencing her this much.
The only rational response to all this home project craftiness she exudes right now is to compete!
Let the games begin....
Why I already know I will lose the war? Indecisiveness. Shocking, I know! This Indecisive ailment I have been afflicted with since my 10th birthday, when I cried (wept) once I was informed I could choose any restaurant to eat at for my birthday dinner, has no cure! Sure, I have learned coping strategies that help relieve the symptoms but the illness remains. And it is why I will not paint the hand-me-down dining room table, reupholster the southwest fabric dining room chairs, or even paint the front door. Pretending to paint the front door with paint shop is much less permanent and quite fun in fact. What do you guys think? Which color fits best?

Vintage Pilot Boy Nursery

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elephant nursery

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elephant nursery
Hold your Horses/Elephants! This was done while avoiding studying for finals, not for any expecting reason. So polyvore.... trying to make an outfit is a daunting task that makes me feel like I am in middle school again.  Listen folks, there is a reason I picked nursing as a career. I even get stressed at times regarding which scrub top should I wear with which scrub bottom. But I found that I love putting together a mod-podge nursery set. I realize that this set probably breaks all sorts of "design" elements and rules; but isn't it fun!
You should do it too! Stop being productive and start polyvoring!


elephant nursery by nursecarly on polyvore.com
     Paint: Sea Glass by Martha Stewart

Can you pull in Leviathan with a fishhook

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Can you pull in the Leviathan with a fishhook?
I get to take care of some of the CUTEST kiddos! I was lucky enough to spend valentines day with TWO sweet little valentines all day long. When I give my heart to my job I realize it also sometimes brings the breaking of my heart. Something I pray I do not become hardened to.
The strength these families show in the midst of such adversity! I am impressed and in awe. With Shane and Shane jammin in their baby's crib, I prayed that God would continue to supply them with strength, love, and patience.
I never really like the way that God seemed to belittle Job, and called him out. It felt kind of harsh.  Job was facing an unreal amount of heartache and was simply looking for an answer. I am continually doing this. Seeking God for some sort of answer for disease and heartache I see everyday.
Maybe God was not trying to say "Who do you think you are?"
Maybe it was more of a reminder of "Who do you think I am?"
Hey Job, look at all the stuff that I can do, and that I take care of. I can take this crazy Leviathan and put a ring in its nose and make it a pet. I can tackle giant enormous overwhelming obstacles bigger than that ole Behemoth. Everything under heaven belongs to me! You are not responsible. You do not have to carry THE BURDEN of responsibility here. It is mine. It is bigger than you. It is mine. And I can do it!
What a relief.
Thankfully my God can pull in the Leviathan with a fishhook.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job+40&version=NIV

DIY Initial Wreath

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Crafting time with Melissa!
Supplies needed
1. Large Sonic Drink from happy hour (I am sure no one would guess what mine was)
2. Yarn for me/Glitter for Mel
3. Wooden letter
4. Ribbon
5. Glue
6. Wreath
Durham Wreath

Eubanks Wreath
Pretty simple eh. Well the glitter was by far the faster way to go. Super jealous of Mel when she was done after painting on the glue and then sprinkling the glitter and I am sitting there winding yarn round and around and around.....
Mel was a pal. It's is possible there was a moment where I pouted when the winding job I was doing was looking sloppy and she came to the rescue and continued stringing that yarn around, and around, and around. Here is my tip if you decide to use the yarn: it's ok to have several layers. Just keep on winding baby!

And I should probably give credit to our inspiration:
yeah I am not going to post the picture cause hers would make ours look bad.